Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.
Friday, 29 June 2007
Before I came to INTEC, for me friendship is simple, a group of people study together, we have fun together. But friendship evolved into a very dangerous war or battle, very complicated, very difficult to be understood, and it hurts. In battle, there are allies and foes. Allies never be allies forever. Same goes to foes. To survive this battle, I have learnt to develop skills and create a very strong defense against the continuous attack from not only outside, but also from inside. I know that I am no more in comfort zone I used to be, shielded from the outer dangerous assault. Nowadays, it is not easy to find a true friend. I lost one and I find it difficult to find another one.
What would you feel when you are isolated by your friends? I haven’t experienced it before. but I have a friend do. I don’t know why people isolate him. Perhaps this is because of his strange behavior, kiasu, arrogant, the way he talks, how he socializes with others. When I saw him being isolated or he isolated himself from his friend, I am not sure about that; but sometimes I do feel pity with him, even though I also dislike his attitude sometimes. he always offends people. However, after one year being his classmate, I realize that somehow he himself doesn’t know that when or how he has offended and even when people started to hate him. Funny!
We should ever conduct ourselves toward our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend. Cardinal Newman
Nowadays most of us like to sms rather than calling. Have you ever counted how many sms you have sent in one day? For me, not many it is still countable. When you are in great pain, lonely, sick and suddenly you receive a message from your friend who wishes you get well soon, what would you feel?
Last week, Ah Lian sent me a message.
‘I wish somehow.. my sms made u 2 gt well soon! Take care..’
I felt the sudden warmness in my heart at that very moment. I appreciate that so much.
Thank you Ah Lian.
I am delighted that all the pain and mental torment that I have endured have come to an end. Now I am waiting for the wound to recover. No more bleeding. During that period of time, all the sufferings have given me a lot of idea to write blogs. Now my ideas all are almost depleted. I hardly write one. I express my feeling through writing blogs. Now my life became mundane and prosaic. Staying at home most of the time, I feel extremely bored. But I am happy that I have gone through the pain. My pain may be is nothing in the opinion of others, but for me it is the greatest pain I ever had in 18 years. I am glad ever thing is over now.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Just now I saw blood stain on the dressing. Again the bleeding continues. I have no idea what to do now. Again Stitches. I hate that. I can’t stand the pain anymore. I have undergone it 3 times. Why the doctors just can’t get it done? I try to be strong, stay calm, and not to cry. But I can’t. I have no idea. I hate the hospital. It was them who causing all this trouble and the consequence is that I have to suffer the pain. I took 7 needles. I can’t take more. The pain is unbearable. Stop for god’s sake. Please stop!! Help me. Stop torturing me like this. I can stand it anymore. Please somebody put an end on this. Don’t torture me like this.
12 more days left until the school reopen. I am worried whether I can make it or not. It has been one week I underwent the operation, the wound is still bleeding. Two days ago I went to the hospital because of the bleeding; I took stitches for second time. The tremendous pain I have endured was unbearable. Ok fine I could take it again. But what disappointed me was the doctor in that hospital. Yesterday morning about 1 a.m., it was bleeding again. This time it bled profusely. I was freak out. Then my parent sent me to the same hospital again. But it was Sunday morning and the doctor wasn’t around. So they just changed the dressing and asked me to be admitted. Oh my gosh! Was that necessary? For circumcision? I was quite costly because I had to wait for the doctor who was on leave until Thursday. Oh I have never mentioned before. that hospital is a private hospital in Penang. So I have decided not to be admitted, but when I reached home, the dressing became blood red. Ooo of course it was blood red colour because it was blood. I quickly went to the Malay clinic in S.P and luckily the bleeding stopped. I don’t understand. Why can’t they just call the doctor to look into my problem. I was so disappointed of that hospital. 12-day-time is all I have for the wound to recover. Haih! How?
My German essay, I have done nothing about it. Brian sent us an e-mail to remind us about the text for German speech contest. I have no idea what to write about; moreover I haven’t touched German for more than one month. I have forgotten most of the bombastic words and all the verbs. How! I have no mood to do it due to the small operation of mine. I feel very painful now and have to see the doctor again because of the bleeding. I am so worried, frustrated. I am afraid that I can’t make it to school reopen.
I am looking forward to school reopen because my life now is meaningless and boring. I can’t do anything but just stay at home and stay put. Next semester would be an interesting semester because a lot of things will change. I have new room, new roommate and new computer.
Thursday, 21 June 2007
Back in the past, when I was a kid, my mum always washed my hair. She washed very thoroughly and massaged my head. Every time she washed my hair, I felt so relaxed. Now after so many years, she did that again and I felt so delighted to have my hair washed by her. At that very moment, I had the feeling of being the happiest child in the world.
Thank god!(I know I shouldn’t use that cos I am a free-thinker!) the bleeding was controlled. Whole night I was just lying on the sofa, watching tv. My mum forbade me to move around. It might worsen the condition. I even fall asleep on the sofa until morning.
I don’t know It is normal or not. The only thing I know is that I am going to suffer for the next few weeks. I hope I could make it to school early July. Life now is boring. I can’t go anywhere but stay at home playing computer.
Pain. It tortures every living thing and shows no mercy. But behind the torment, it is a good teacher, as the saying goes, ‘no pain no gain’. After suffering pain, people actually grow up. We learn to avoid from getting us into the same pain again and take good care of ourselves. Some people die in the process. Like my friend. He has suffered the unbearable pain which is impossible for us to understand unless we have experienced it. Then at the end he died in the brutal battle against cancer. He didn’t die for nothing. The pain he has endured does mean something and teach us some important lessons of life. Take good care of our health; appreciate friendship; be obedient to your parent like he did; always lend friend a helping hand. We might not realized them until we lost them or somebody else does. His death teaches and inspires me a lot. When he was still alive, I never appreciate friends around me. Friend is not that significant. i have a thought before. He has changed my perception, but it was too late for me to actually do something for him as he has always been a helpful hand in the past.
Everyone wants to avoid the pain. I don’t want to feel pain, but there are things which are unavoidable like pain. We have to have courage to face and overcome it. 雨过天晴 (Yu Guo Tian Qing). It means that after a downpour there would be a shinny day once more. (hehe I think my translation is correct). Be courageous. I hope I can be courageous also… Go tyger!
I went to Hospital Lam Wah Ee for the operation. The operation was costly. It cost about rm600. On the operation day, I went there early in the morning. After waiting for 1-2 hours, a nurse brought me to the operation theatre in forth floor. Then I had to change into green outfit for the surgery. I don’t know what they call it. Ha I did’t know how to wear it and I tight it in front. After walking out from the changing room, the others laughed at me. Then I saw they wear the outfit , supposedly I should tight it at the back. At that very moment, I was so embarrassed.
I was the last among 3. So I stayed in the freezing cold waiting room wearing only the green loose outfit (like dress), waiting my name to be called. About 11:45a.m. A nurse came in and escorted me to the surgical room. It involved 4-5 nurses and a doctor for the operation. The room was spacious, a lot of machines and 2 big spotlight above the bed.
Then I was asked to lie on bed, meanwhile they prepared all the equipment needed. I was so nervous because I have never been in surgical room before. Later the doctor came in then started after minutes later.
(hehe I wish to describe how they prepare me for the surgery. But I better not to do so cos it would be rather disgusting, however you can imagine yourself. But don’t ask me to narrate.)
I couldn’t see the whole process because of the big cloth in front of my head. The only thing I could do was listening to music played during surgery.
Actually I have a lot of things to tell but it is quite embarrassing to tell everyone about this. Hehe! Oh please no further questions. I appreciate it!
Saturday, 16 June 2007
Finally I have watched Spiderman 3. Commenting on this movie, I think that it is good, action packed but like any other hero movie, the heroes always win at the end. Nevertheless, there is one very touching scene at the end of the movie where harry dies saving peter.
Harry : been better
Peter : we’ll get you through this
Harry : no.
Peter : I should never hurt you. Say those things
Harry : none of that matter, Peter. Harry: you are my friend.
Peter : best friend
When it came to that scene, I burst into tears. Suddenly I thought of my best friend Shin Leong. Almost 100 days he passed away. I still remember clearly the day he died. I was having German Midterm exam in Beringin when I received the news from my friend. I couldn’t concentrate during the exam
I seldom talk to him after studying in INTEC, but I always made sure I was updated all the time. After he passed away I realized that I had a lot of things and stories to share with him, but I couldn’t do that when he was still alive. Every time I visited him, I just knelt beside him and remained tongue-tied. I don’t know why I was speechless but my mind was like a piece of blank paper. Everything written on the paper was erased when I was with him. I always wanted to tell a lot of things but to no avail. May be I couldn’t understand his feelings and we have not been together most of the time like we used to, hanging around in Centre Square, Penang and School, playing poker and mahjung.
Fairness. Why do good people like him die young? Do you think it’s fair?
In life and death, there is no such thing as fairness. Fairness doesn’t govern life and death. If it did, no good person would die young like Shin Leong.
Friday, 15 June 2007
if yo want to test your driving skill, you can do it in Kek Lok Si temple. why? if you are driving auto car, it would be just a piece of cake, but if you have a manual car, haha i suggest you not to go up the if you are still a rookie because the road going up to the temple is very very steep and you must have very good command of the gear going up the hill using manual car. tell you guys something. i drove my manual car and i reached the top safe and sound. hahaha.. so proud of my driving skill.
on the way going up the hill i was so nervous and scared because of the steepness of the road. luckily it was Friday and not peak season. i didn't have to stop half way so i was able to reach there just using 1st and 2nd gear. i felt the immense satisfaction when i managed to get to the top.
From the balcony of the newly built temple, scenery of George Town, Penang was within my sight. the scenery from up was so beautiful and breathtaking. frankly i have never seen Penang from bird's eye view before even though i have been to Penang a lot of times already mainly for shopping. last time i went there is when was five. now after almost 14 years i went there again and Kek Lok Si has changed so much, more beautiful and developed due to the newly build temples, the monorail connecting the old temple and new temple and the gigantic statue of Guan Yin(but still under construction).
after a while, it started to rain. wherever ah Lian goes, it rains. today this theory was proven. it rained today on the way to Penang. So we left the temple and brought ah lian to the hawker stall nearby to eat Laksa and chaykueyteow. for me i love penang Laksa so much but ah Lian doesn't like it. Penang Laksa and Malacca Laksa are two different dishes. Penang Laksa is asam(mean sour and spicy a bit) but Malacca Laksa tastes like curry mee in SP.
after having laksa, we traveled to Gurney Plaza for shopping and went back empty-handed but with fulled stomach cos we had our dinner in Kim Gary. we went to penang crossing the penang bridge but we went back using ferry. we took some pictures on the ferry and everyone looked at us as we came from kampung.. kampung boy and kampung girls..
it was an exciting and memorable journey.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
oh my gosh! first time ever my phone left only RM 0.14. and it is 14. for chinese it means sure die.. OMG. never in my life before i finish all the phone credit. on 1st June my phone credit was RM45. only 14 days i finished all. may be for most of people might think that 45 is just small amount. but for me it is a record. ha i spent a lot when i had problem with my ex 2 weeks ago.
my last message i sent to Yoong. haha!!
"there's a problem here. asked u 2 come to my room last time, u din come. dun worry i'll send them during weekends..so be patient"
haha. this message is so precious cos it's the second message i receive from the smartest, cleverest student in ALG 10C. it is truly a memorable event. last message i could send, credit finished for the first time ever, and the last message i could send, i sent it to Yoong.
Wednesday, 13 June 2007
i have word to tell one of my friend that i might have offended her somehow. i feel guilty for breaking the friendship between 2 of my friends. and i am writing this to rebuild the broken friendship between 3 of us.
"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves." taken from the five people you meet in heaven.
i hope you could understand this lesson. love and friendship are two different entities. appreciate your friend and forgive her for what she and i have done. she cares about you and she still treats you as her best friend and i hope you do too. forgive her and i just want to say sorry for everything i have done that hurt you so much.
hatred and anger betrayal should come to an end.
all i could say is sorry.
i remember there was a student in my school having epilepsy during the sport training. at that time people around were panic-stricken then immediately they held the student tight and there was one heroic student put his fingers into the casualty's mouth. they said to prevent him from biting his tongue. are you going to do something like that "hero" too? if you have a though like that, perhaps you must have been influenced by tv program in the past or old people said so...
first thing to do when you see someone with epilepsy and is conscious is to clear every hazardous material around the casualty and remember do not apply strong force and hold the casualty strongly. this action might end up with broken bones. you can apply soft padding on body parts which are in contact with hard material or ground then monitor the breathing and pulse. caution! do not put anything into the casualty's mouth! it does no good to casualty but break his/her teeth. i have mentioned it a lot of times to my friends but they don't believe me! ha, it is written black and white on any first aid manual i have read so far. if the condition doesn't improve, send to hospital right away.
so if you put your fingers into the casualty's mouth, it is not a heroic act but rather an idiotic act.
oh people always say what if he/she bites the tongue, actually i cant answer that but i read the book First Aid for Dummies, the book says biting tongue won't cause death
early this morning, after having my breakfast i went to hospital because of health problem. i hate hospital, i hate the smell of disinfectant, i hate lying on that examination bed. this health problem of my has haunted me since last year and i did nothing to solve that problem until today. i have decided to end that and i told my parent.
after a quick checkup, consultant told me that i was fine and that problem was not a problem at all.. so funny................ i hope to tell you guys what happen to me but i cant.
after coming back from hospital, rivers of tears flowed out from my eyes. lying on my bed crying for about half an hour, i sms with Shivenes and told him everything i had encountered. i am not fragile ok!!! just feel very lonely and extremely sad at that moment because no one understand the pain and difficulty i endure. Shivenes is a good friend and he is willing to help anyone anytime and thx to his consolation
just be strong.and you can get through this. i'm always here for you
the world wont be like wat we expect..wat has happened we cant chang. but we must understand e\why it happen and live through it. time will heal everything..
my aim of writing this blog is to appreciate the help, advice, consolation offered by my friend when you need moral support or someone who can go through the problem together. thank you very much Shivenes. you are the great...
from left Yan Yee, Seng Yau, Phai Hau, Chee Teik and me
first thing first, congratulation to AA team. you guys are outstanding. SINMA (Singapore Malaysia) first aid competition.i hope i could have been like them, win the national first aid competition and make it through the SINMA competition, but i failed to do so.
but now i know that from now on Sin MIn St john Has regained the dignity we had lost by winning the SINMA Competition. you guys are international champion man!! i am proud of you guys. frankly i am jealous for your achievement. i wonder what would i feel if i were in your shoe. i want to taste the victory like you all after many loses. but that dream would never come true. everything is fated.
<<< State First Aid Competition
from left Chee Teik, me, Seng Yau and Phai Hau.
during the training, we fought and quarrel a lot because of different idea and opinion. however at the end we would overcome our problem and worked together again. why? we have learned to be patient, co-operative and willing to sacrifice to the sake of the team and more important is that we care about each other.
St john has given me a lot and i learn a lot being a competitor and also the secretary.
1. crying shows no weaknesses
2. must be patient when you are scolded even though you do no wrong
3. if you want to organize something, make it big.
4. appreciate friendship
5. being co-operative
6. willing to make sacrifice for the good of majority
oh i went to melacca recently and i stayed in my friend's house. unfortunately i only managed to stay there for almost 24 hours as my friend has to rush back kl for scrabble competition which was held in mines. looking on bright side, finally i had the chance to visit some historical places in Melacca. when i was small, i always wanted to travel, but due to certain circumstances mostly financial problem i couldn't do so. So this time i have been to A Famosa, Jonker Street, The Red House and Dataran Pahlawan. so sad that i only spent half an hour there in A Famosa and ate melacca famous food like laksa and cendol.
actually i wished to spend more time there and travel around using bus no. 11 rather than doing sight seeing in car. nevertheless i was delighted to travel with that friend of mine. if i were a girl most probably my trip there would have been more interesting and colourful. so sad he just doesn't understand what i want. Sorry to say that,dude. if you bring me clubbing, i don't mind, i am not what you think. may be i should learn to talk and speak out my mind. all the time i just don't want to trouble people and i keep quiet even though i feel not comfortable or don't like what has been proposed. my friend! if you read this, no hard feeling. just wanna express my feeling
there is one thing that i just don't understand. people always think that i am like mama's child. actually i am not. my friend were shocked when they found out that i ride motorcycle. oh my gosh!! dude i am no stranger to motorcycle. my mum always fetched me using motorcycle last time because she doesn't know how to drive car. then when i got my license, i ride to school everyday. may be i act like one. hehe.
anyway, frankly i enjoyed my trip to Melacca. thank you my friend!!
it was quite a fascinating experience studying in GMI, Cheras and definitely way better than studying in intec, Shah Alam. hehe. most of my chinese friend they had decided to rent a house there in Cheras but i didn't join them because i think it was troublesome and costly. 300rm for me is a lot and i didn't want to burden my parent as i need to spend a lot of money on other purpose.
talking about food, finally i had the chance to taste Chinese food there in Cheras at the stall nearby. i am sick of the mamak and malay food that i always had in shah alam. most of my friends know the weird eating habit of mine, it is difficult for me to find my food in mamak and malay stall. in intec i always eat only vege or some processed food like nuggets and meat balls. there is one friend of mine who keeps mentioning my strange eating habit to others when we are having dinner together. haha.
GMI (German Malaysian Institute), my impression when i first look at the name is that this institute must be very high class and the staff and the lecturers all follow German time (it means being punctual) rather than Malaysian time(It means the other way round,hehe). the reality showed opposite. some lecturers are lazy and not punctual and some didn't even teach us. they just gave us the handouts or samples and we drew ourselves. so sad. their teaching method were quite hypnotic and most of the students slept during classes. hehe i didn't sleep.
other than that, my friends from Sungai Petani came to kl and they stayed near Cheras, so i managed to stay with them for one night and then i followed their bus to Eye On Malaysia ferris wheel. wao! People Moutain People Sea (direct translation from mandarin which meas a lot of people) there, so sad i only saw a lot of local tourist rather than foreign tourist. i knew it though. for me the ride was boring, it was not worthy to pay rm15 for that, but you could see the "beautiful" scenery of KL City from the carriage. that night i was tremendously exhausted because i woke up early for GMI and then had to rush to my friend in Maluri Hotel. also that night, i only realized something very important regarding my relationship with my girlfriend and then days later we broke up.
time flies. 2nd sem has come to an end. a lot of unfortunate event happened to me this sem, best friend of mine died, the bond between me and my friends grown stronger, i failed my first relationship. i just hope that someone can understand me better. i lost my friend once i don't want to lose another one. i might be sensitive sometimes but i appreciate friends and this is not GAY. OK!!!
Guys.... wish you all happy holiday and enjoy your trip to Bali
one more week to go and it will be the end of the practical training in GMI. three weeks in GMI, KL with hectic schedule really tires me a lot, i think it is the best period of time in 2nd Sem. starting from next sem, i wont be staying with my current house mates kazeng daniel and alfred anymore. i feel quite sad about it because i have used to living together with them. recalling all things happen in past one year and comparing present me and the me one year ago, i realise that i have changed so much and i mayself don't know whether i have changed worse or better . i hope it is latter.
being a kampung boy from Sungai Petani, i have cultural shock here in shah alam. my friends here who come from different backgrounds, they are very different with my friends in secondary school. the way they communicate, the way they treat academic, how they treat friends. may be i have been shielded from all those things by the school, my parent and me myself.
frankly until now i don't think that i have adapted into this new culture. when my friends came to KL last week, i felt that i became myself once again. i talked the way i did last time and i enjoyed that very much. i want to have those kind of feeling once again but one must not always look back. on the other hand, we must always think positively and do whatever we think is for the good of our future. sometimes i might think too much or some might think it is not worthy worrying about things that we can only plan or predict.